“Never” is a powerful word. I never really thought about it. Bad news can feel very different when it’s only temporary, but “Never” is pretty absolute. I have used “never” as an exaggeration just about as many times as I have claimed to be starving when I am hungry. I have used “never” in arguments with my husband, and he has used “never” to describe places he wouldn’t travel to that he eventually did travel to.
And the doctor didn’t say “never” to us in our discussion of having a baby. But it was implied. “You should definitely not try to conceive naturally.” He didn’t have to say the word though, when the issue is in our genetic make-up. We will still both carry the CF gene when we are 30, 35, 40. That will not change. So our options became limited, but I am still stuck on “never”.
Up until that point, I had hope every step of the way. One miscarriage, two, three. I felt hope because all the tests told us we are healthy and fine. So I had hope that this journey would be over soon, and I would feel the kick of a child. With every pregnancy, I felt joy even though the pattern said otherwise. I can still close my eyes, and feel the joy from the first time. I can feel the hope in my heart as I planned for the future. So the word “never” now feels like driving into a concrete wall at full speed. There’s nothing we can do about this situation. It just is. And always will be. It’s final. Absolute. There’s no hope in the word “never”.
The dictionary meaning for “never” is: at no time in the past or future; on no occasion; not ever.
There’s no room for ifs or buts in that. So that’s where I am stuck processing now. For the past three years I have had friends and family tell me all the things they’ve tried or medicine they’ve taken to successfully conceive. Hope. But now I have to accept that we got our answer from the doctor. I don’t like it, but at least we have it. It also made me think about a sermon, scripture, or message I heard about not saying words like never, always, ever, etc. because we don’t know what God can or will do. So I tried to look up that scripture, and instead I found all the times that “never” is used in the bible (a lot). The irony is that in the bible the word “never” is a message of hope. It describes God’s promises to us.
I do not have updates on where we are in our IVF or adoption choices, but I am growing more confident in the plan that God has for us. Every time I feel that car driving into the concrete wall, I step back and remember where God has taken us so far. So I will leave you with the amazing grace, love, and hope that is shared through the word “never” from the only God that truly knows what tomorrow will bring. I encourage you to keep in mind the definition of “never” as you read.
God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
Hebrews 13:5 NIV
Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.
Psalms 55:22 NIV
But God will never forget the needy; the hope of the afflicted will never perish.
Psalms 9:18 NIV
‘Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst.
Revelation 7:16 NIV
But You remain the same, and Your years will never end.
Psalms 102:27 NIV
The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV