The past few months have been a blessing. After all the losses, and the painful desire for a family, the past few months were intentionally for rest. Back in July, we had decided to try to start the process for IVF around November. If you have never struggled to have children then you may not understand that there is relief in not trying. First, I didn’t have to think about my cycle. That time of the month was not brought with heartache. I did not have to strain my eyes trying to will two lines to appear on that stick. I did not have the emotional argument with myself about it being okay, but not feeling okay. As much as I want a child, it felt good to rest, and I was comforted by having a plan for November.
Now it’s November, and oddly enough there is no excitement. (I think if I had more belief that it all will work in our favor I might have excitement. I have some hope – anything is possible for God- but if I am being honest – no confidence in IVF. I have confidence that God’s plan will happen, but no idea what that plan is. Kids? No kids? No idea). I have hesitation, worry, and a desperate desire for God to tell me what to do. As much as I think I want to share my experience about trying to be a mom, I find myself focusing more on my experience trying to focus on God. After three losses, finding out about the CF gene, and trying to decide the next steps to make, it is clear that nothing about our situation is in our control.
Then we found out the specialist we were supposed to work with retired in October. Great, more roadblocks. There was finding a new specialist, going over the process, speaking to multiple different entities that don’t seem to be on the page about anything, and respeaking to the specialist about the process because it still is not clear. There’s the finance department, the medical side, the genetics company, the labs. All have different fees and costs, all tell us different things. The thousands we thought it would cost are only a part of what it will actually cost. My husband is frustrated, and I get it. We argue about the use of this money, if we are throwing it away. We want a step-by-step plan. But they can’t because every step depends on my cycle or pretesting or the stars aligning and no one but God knows that. So we make appointments, not understanding what they’re for.
What we do know: while we wait for the stars, we can start doing some pretests at the start of my next cycle. So what happens? My cycle has yet to start (which I understand happens to some women, but it has never been an issue for me). My immediate thought is: Is this a reply from God? Is he pausing this for yet another unknown reason? Or am I filled with uncertainty and worry? (Definitely yes.) Is something wrong with me? Something new that will add on to this mess of fertility issues?
So amid the truth that I know that all things are possible with God, that His plans are good, and that what matters most in this life is Jesus, I still struggle with this whole process. I am struggling to hear what we should do. I want Him to yell at me, and say “MOVE FORWARD WITH CONFIDENCE”, or “THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT DIRECTION”. I feel like not taking any steps is still making a choice. This is not a simple pill to take. This is months of testing, hormones, money, labs, doctor visits, and at the end…loss? or the child we have prayed years for?
But today I realized that maybe this isn’t a journal of my IVF journey…entirely. Maybe this can be my journal focusing on God. Yes, I will walk through this IVF process, but my focus doesn’t need to be on this IVF process. Where should my focus be each day? With God. I want to remind myself each day to ask God what He wants from me today. I want to remind myself of the blessings He gave me this morning. I want to count the blessings I feel every time I see my husband. How great is the Lord! I am tired of asking why. I don’t know why things happen. I don’t know what God has in store for us. I don’t need to know because if my only goal is to have a child, then I will miss out on the life God truly has planned for me. My goal is to live for God’s kingdom, love His children, and seek His will above my own. I don’t want my happiness to be dependent upon a child. I want my happiness to be in Christ, and then I will never be let down. This is a daily struggle, and IVF will challenge me and my husband, but I pray for more of Him. I pray for His presence, His voice, His relationship, and I am thankful that the creator of the heavens and the earth knows and loves me. And yes, I pray that if it is His will, we can have a child too.