The Goodness of God

“With every breath that I am able, I will sing of the goodness of God”

This year has been a difficult one for us in many ways, and as my dad’s birthday approaches, my heart has felt a heavy weight of having lived one whole year without hearing his voice. It’s hard to believe it’s only been one year since he passed, since we were told about the CF gene, since my third miscarriage. There were mission trip highs and loved pets gone. There were financial arguments, and next step decisions struggled with. It’s been a long year of simply being part of this broken world, and we were never promised an easy life, but we have done our best to walk through this broken life with God.

Only 5 days ago, we were praying for God to speak to us and lead us in some direction. I was concerned about my late cycle (IVF is all about cycles), but we were walking toward the beginning of IVF. Friday, we spoke with the genetics counselor, the first step of the process. We were told that we would need to get a “probe” created that takes about 8 weeks. This was to identify our specific CF gene in any future embryo so that they could identify healthy embryos to move forward with. (That might not be word for word correct, but that is my basic understanding).

This phone call was life changing. So far, in this journey, we felt doctors were not answering our questions or really having our interests at heart. They were doing their job, but the conversations just didn’t seem like they understood or really cared. This phone call with the genetic counselor was the first time it felt like someone cared. It was the first time a doctor asked why we wanted IVF (it was our only option?) and explained really what the CF gene was.

I don’t know how else to share our Christmas miracle with you besides this exact conversation:

“We were told that if we had children naturally there would be a 25 percent chance our child would be born infertile or die as a young child.”

“That is true somewhat for classic cystic fibrosis. But that is not what you two share. The gene you two have is 5T (something). If you two had a child born with two 5T genes, there would be almost no chance that they would have any symptoms at all.”

Now this is paraphrasing because I was floored and trying to process what she was saying. She went on to tell us that we are perfectly safe to try and conceive naturally.

After 6 months of mentally preparing for the inability to ever have children without IVF, we were told we could conceive naturally.

She told us that the previous doctor that told me to immediately get on birth control to prevent accidental pregnancy probably did not have a background in genetics and only saw that we had a CF gene. She also went so far as to say that even if we went through with IVF to help our chances, we shouldn’t waste our money on identifying the CF gene in an embryo because nothing would be wrong with it.

I still don’t know exactly how to follow that news. I’m still processing and speechless. I cannot comprehend how big this miracle is. I have been accepting of what the doctors told us and praying that IVF would lead us to one sweet child. God just stepped in and trumped my prayer with the ability to conceive naturally. I didn’t even know I could ask for that. I thought asking for a child was praying big, and God showed me He is bigger.

This news is still new, and we will still speak with the doctor about what our next steps will be. After all, there are the 3 miscarriages, although every doctor (including this genetics counselor) has told us they were not caused by anything wrong with us. These miscarriages are just unexplained, and there isn’t reason at this point to assume I would have another. I still do not know if we will someday have a child, but this was a Christmas miracle to hear. This has completely floored me with the goodness of God.

Right now, I am filled with praise and worship, and I do not want that to go away. I know it is easier to praise God when He moves mountains, but I do not want to forget this feeling even if we do not conceive. I know that God hears our cries. I know that God loves us. I think of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the furnace, and I think of their “Even if”.

May we be willing to worship and praise God, even if He doesn’t answer our prayers according to our desires.

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